[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]
“Hitler escaped” in a secret tunnel and fled to Argentina, "there really are vampires among us,” and Robert Wagner is “going to jail” for killing Natalie Wood.
It’s another fact-free fest in this week's soaring supermarket tabloids and scintillating celebrity magazines.
Frank Sinatra is this week’s punching bag. Ol’ Blue Eyes was a “cocaine gang overlord” according to the National Enquirer (which makes me view ‘Fly Me To The Moon’ in a completely new light) and “asked mob to whack Woody” Allen after the director cheated on Mia Farrow, according to the Globe.
So good to have a week when the tabloids aren’t giving us breaking news about who Sinatra was sleeping with 60 years ago.
Fortunately investigative journalism is still alive and kicking at Us magazine, with the startling revelations that Selena Gomez wore it best, TV’s ‘Minority Report’ actress Meagan Good carries Post-it notes, green tea and a miniature teddy bear in her handbag, and the stars are just like us: they exercise together, indulge in ice cream, and volunteer for charity (the latter proving that Us mag considers former president Jimmy Carter “a star.”)
Hitler’s escape and America’s plague of real-life vampires come courtesy of the National Examiner, whose reporters never met a conspiracy they didn’t like. It seems reasonable to assume that Hitler may have been killed by Argentinian vampires - I’m just guessing here, which seems to be the standard of proof the tabloids require before going to print - but is Robert Wagner really headed behind bars?
The Globe seems to think that a “secret FBI file” reveals his “motive for murder” after a “shocking 34-year cover-up.” Or as an FBI spokesman might say: a probe into Natalie Wood's financial dealings was closed in 1980 without charges, and has gathered dust in an archive since then. Just because the Globe has noticed the antique file doesn’t make it any more of a “secret file” or smoking gun than it was when first shelved over three decades ago.
Elvis Presley’s ex-wife Priscilla “is telling all before she dies,” says the Enquirer. Or cynics might say she’s just giving interviews to coincide with the release of the new Elvis album ‘If I Can Dream.’
Angelina Jolie has had her nose surgically slimmed, alleges the Enquirer, displaying “before” and “after” photos that seem virtually identical. “Surgery’s so subtle hardly anyone would notice!” it adds. I couldn’t agree more.
Us mag splashes with the claim that Gwen Stefanie’s marriage collapsed after she caught hubby Gavin Rossdale cheating with their children’s nanny. Evidently the childcare cutie sent naked selfies to Rossdale that turned up on the kids’ iPad. Grounds for dismissal, no doubt.
People mag devotes its cover to a Duggar baby exclusive, though it seems this TV family of Biblical proportions births a new member every week, so this can hardly be news. “I can’t believe he’s really ours,” says Jessa Seewald (she’s not even a Duggar since marrying) who perhaps thinks that the nurses accidentally switched babies in the neo-natal ward.
Actress and Food Network host Valerie Bertinelli’s recent weight gain is poised to divide America, it seems. “Valerie loses food fight!” screams the Globe. “Val Vows To Stay Big!” shouts the Enquirer. You decide.
Literary awards of the week go to the Enquirer for its headline above bikini photos of Blake Lively, proclaiming “Blake’s Chest Amazing . . .” and for its headline above a photo of a slightly plumper Ben Affleck, touting: “Affleck’s New Role: Fatman.”
I hope the Pulitzer judges are watching.
Onwards and downwards . . .
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